PARENTING WITHOUT PUNISHING

Growing & Learning in Democratic Discipline

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This site offers a radically new approach to bringing up children, wherein all forms of punishment are dispensed with, and replaced with the same civil and courteous behavior afforded associates and friends.

Throwing out the punitive approach, which is so pervasive and so traditional it is thought to be "natural", creates a revolutionary new parenting approach. It's author, Norm Lee, calls it 'The New Non-Punitive Parenting Paradigm', (NN-PPP) It is founded on fundamental respect for children as thinking and feeling human beings with full membership in the family. Central to this departure from the parent-centered authoritarian method is the concept/practice Norm calls "Democratic Discipline".

NN-PPP is neither theory nor speculation. It was developed in the 60s with the participation of Norm's two small sons and their mother. Henry David and Russell Bertrand, now approaching age 40, have proven by their lives the truth that decent, courteous, law-abiding, successful and happy children can be raised without any form of punishment whatever. Hence, the near-universal faith in punishment as a parenting tool is here exposed as unfounded and disproved.

- Norm

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"My best regards and thanks for your newsletters. They are really absolutely free of poisonous pedagogy and my friends and I appreciate them very much."

—— Alice Miller, Zurich, Switzerland, November 2000






The Norm Letter #5
July 2012



Everyone thinks of changing the world,
but no one thinks of changing himself.

— Leo Tolstoy                    


SEVEN HABITS FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING

ONE: Banish from your mind all preconceptions and expectations of who or what the baby will be and how it will behave. Do not try to form the child like putty to become the offspring you wished for. This is not about meeting YOUR needs, as if bringing home a puppy from a pet store. The key is to accept and respect who the child is. Regard him or her as your teacher, there to remind you what childhood is like and to model innocence, authenticity, and unalloyed love.

TWO: Childproof your home completely. The baby needs to grow, born with a drive to explore and learn about the world. It begins in your kitchen, playroom, living room, your space. Anticipate every potential accident. Safety guides are easily accessible to prevent burns, falls, cuts, bruises, smothering, electrical ... I've been asked, "Do I hafta change my whole damn house just for a baby??" Answer: YES! CHANGE YOUR WHOLE DAMN HOUSE! Put the glass unicorns, the trinkets and the treasures, out of reach of curious hands. Take knobs off the stove. Gates on stairways. Any changes you make are only temporary. Children have a need to learn about their world...all of it...today. (With my very first steps I went directly to the stove and pulled a teakettle of boiling water over on my head. Tho I was the third child, nobody imagined that could happen.)

What makes parenting interesting and endurable, and even joyfully entertaining and instructive, is that whatever they're doing today, pleasing to you or not, will be different five days from now. Or three days. Probably tomorrow. Who could possibly be bored?

THREE: Do not create an adversarial relationship with the child. It's too easy to do, issuing orders with "Because I said so". With awareness you can avoid that trap, the game you can never win. Erase all forms of threats & penalties from your pallet. Ruling by fear is the tyrant's way. Banish Dr. Phil-style punishments like time out and eye-to-eye scolding. Absolutely avoid the ego vs. ego war of wills, one you are sure to lose. Children learn values, attitudes, and behavior by observing and imitating their parents. In this way, parents are the CAUSE of child's misbehavior. This merits notice and attention: The changes must be made in the parents, not the child. If I repeat myself, hey, I repeat myself.

FOUR: Do not preach; do not teach "lessons". Even small kids know right from wrong, and they know that hurting them is very wrong. The child learns nothing from talk. Words, conceptual thought is for grownups. The only way a child learns anything is by your example. (Parent to judge: "I've tried all I know. I beat him and beat him, and he's still violent.") Or punish him for lying, for stealing, for bullying. When you least suspect it the kids are watching and listening intently to learn how to be an adult. So it's vitally important to never lie to a child. Never cheat. Never disparage race, social class, economic status. Again, the parents need to examine their prejudices.

Abolish lessons to "prepare for life". For the child, there is only the Now. Eliminate from voiice & actions all threats & fears when talking to the child. They can do no wrong; they can only be who they are: a child. Almost all punishment is inflicted for normal child behavior.

FIVE: Create family rules together, by discussion. Democratic society and government cannot survive deterioration when children are raised in dictatorial households and authoritarian schools. For democracy to strengthen, families have to change from parental rule to one where every member's voice is heard and respectfully considered. In my home when the boys were small, weekly meetings were held where grievances were heard and family rules were suggested and voted on. We parents held veto power only on matters of health and safety, while all else was reached by unanimous agreement. Have the courage to try it. The rewards are great, and it's great family fun.

SIX: Regard your child as the expert on childhood and child behavior. Who else knows better how a child feels and thinks? The child has arrived on this earth with a purpose: to teach us how to be honest, authentic, loving, real. They are here to remind us that our childhood is long past, and our recall of it is grossly distorted. We need to pay attention and learn from this new generation. With their fierce sense of fairness and justice, their contempt for hypocrisy, they can teach us who they are, how they need to be treated, and what you need to know as a parent. It is for us to learn to trust and respect.

SEVEN: Remember: Because parents are the cause of the child's misbehavior, it is a gross betrayal to inflict punishment of any kind. The world will insist that it is necessary "for discipline". It is not. This is not mere opinion; it is a proven, demonstrable fact. Punishing is harmful to you as well as the child. It changes you as you grow. Repeat: Nearly all punishment is done for normal child behavior. Any kind of punishment - time out, spanking/slapping, denial of treats, whatever - is a betrayal of the child's trust in you, charged with providing for, protecting, and nurturing the child. It is important to remember that we are not the Commander, Enforcer, Judge and God of our little world, but an honored Servant entrusted to provide for and be responsible for the lives, welfare and nurture of the children.

And these are not YOUR children, for they are no one's possession, owned by no institution, whether school, church, or government.

One more thing: I learned from my friend the late John Holt, that stopping punishment is not enuf. Throw out the praise with the punishment. Certainly, be sure to express appreciation and admiration where it is earned. But praise and punishment are two sides of the dependency coin. Don't train your child to be a "praise junkie". Our work is making their independence and freedom possible for them, not enslave them. – Norm Lee


List addresses are never sold, exchanged or shared. If you wish to be added to the mailing list for this NORM LETTER send name, e-mail address, and general location (state, city, or country), with "Please subscribe" in the subject box, to normRlee@att.net . If you have received this by mistake, and/or it is unwelcome, simply click Reply and type "Please remove" in the Subject box. – nl



The Norm Letter Archive
Letter #5     Letter #4     Letters #3, #2 and #1

The Norm Report Archive

Countries that protect children
from hitting/spanking/physical punishment,
and the dates of reform

Sweden - 1979, Finland - 1983, Norway - 1987, Austria - 1989, Cyprus - 1994, Italy -1996, Denmark - 1997, Latvia - 1998, Croatia - 1999, Bulgaria - 2000, Germany - 2000, Israel - 2000, Iceland - 2003, Ukraine - 2004, Romania - 2004, Hungary - 2005, Greece - 2006, Netherlands - 2007, New Zealand - 2007, Portugal - 2007, Uruguay - 2007, Venezual - 2007, Chile - 2007, Spain - 2007, Costa Rica - 2008, Republic of Moldova - 2009, Luxembourg - 2009, Liechtenstein - 2010, Tunisia - 2010, Poland - 2010 and Kenya - 2010

PARENTING WITHOUT PUNISHING

By Norm Lee (c.) 2002, is a free publication for those seeking happier and easier ways of bringing up children.

Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

PDF Version

SELECTED INCOMING
STEP UP
To Prevent Hitting

OUTSIDE THE TENT
ABOUT NORM LEE
A STRANGER AND AFRAID

One summer morning in 1933, three small children stood at the top of a stairway, their faces distorted in anguish. Slight of stature and barely out of childhood herself, their mother was crying, too. But her jaw was set in determination; she had told her children that she had to leave again, and this time there could be no coming back... Continue

SER PADRES SIN CASTIGAR

Capitulo 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15



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